Ah, returns. The worst place in a store to work unless you're responsible for cleaning the bathrooms. Whatever you decide to call it, whether its "Returns", "Customer Service Desk", or something else entirely, it is the one place in the store employees hate the most. Typically, when returning something, the employee will ask why a return is being done. This standard operating procedure has probably become so habitual the employee likely doesn't care what a customer has to say; we just need something to put on a return ticket. When an item is actually defective, that typically means a retailer will have to ship it back to the manufacturer so it can be dealt with. So I long ago started collecting the most ridiculous things I'd ever seen put on return tickets. Sometimes it's what a customer says is wrong with it that makes me laugh. Sometimes it's what an employee misspells that prompts a giggle. Here's my list, with all spelling errors and typos exactly as they appeared. There are, of course, many more than I've showcased here. These are just some of the best ones. If you don't laugh at these, you clearly have never worked returns in retail. I have made an exception to [sic] and replaced profanity with asterisks. Enjoy!
On a charcoal grill, “it dont work”
On a soaker hose, “Leaks”
On a bag of fertilizer, “Blown engine!”
On a personal scale, “Number is wrong”
On a dog bed, “Has numerous scratches”. It also had several years worth of moss growing on it and was clearly not a new product.
On a toilet, “Clogs every time it is pooped in”
On a faucet, “the ladey husband toul her that it was mising a piec to the fucet”
On a charcoal grill, “Wouldn’t heat up right”
On a toilet, “Skid marks were left after use”
On shutters, “Husband and wife fight, wife break shutters over husband's head.”
On a wireless doorbell, “made neighbors door bell go off!!!”
On a water filter, “Customer claims water filter caused water to burn throat”
On a window, “The lock are on wrong sides.”
On a chrome drip bowl, “customer used and decided they wanted to return after 6 months.”
On a leather cell phone holder, “this item had start torning”
On a gallon of paint, “customer spilt half out on accident R/R per joe.”
On a hose reel box, “customer said it is like fighting a tiger to get it back in the box.”
On a faucet, “Can't sale the way it is...plumping RTM”
On a 2 lb. bag of Worry Free dog/cat/bird Repellent, “Dog still peeing all over the place this did not work wth!”
On a side-sliding window, “window would not stay up”. Please note side-sliding means it opens side to side, not top to bottom.
On a dishwasher, "the customer says it sounds like a pig being slaughtered inside”
On a dishwasher, “if my kid is dumb enough to crawl in and drown, that's their problem”. It was returned because it had a locking mechanism on the top to prevent children from opening it.
On a washing machine, “Customer didn’t want it because it could kill her”
On a refrigerator, “Possessed, thermostat kept changing temperature”
On a refrigerator, “has bad karma”
On a concrete brick, “bird poop”
On a hammer, “Hammer that Dinings when in Use”
On a hammer, “Wouldn’t hit nail”
On a hummingbird feeder, “Eye hook that is supposed to be attahced to the humming bird will not stay in place. This occurance caused the humming bird to come crashing to the ground creating a horrific sight. Please get credit for the dead bird. And tell them they are getting off easy. Pain & suufering is worth a whole heck of a lot more than that.”
On a recalled grill, “grill BLOWED up”. It was in many pieces. Apparently the grill caught fire and the customer poured water on it to put the fire out.
On a Carol Town Christmas display, “Christmas gone wrong in Carol Town”. The heads had fallen off the carolers.
On a light fixture, “It weren’t doing him no justice”
On a push mower, “was in house when house caught fire, burnt”
On a baseboard heater, “kept sh*tting off on its own”
On a glue-based rat trap, “mouse was too fast”
On a package of light bulbs, “customer claimedd thay four out of the three bulbbs blew”
On a gutter de-icer, “gets hot”
On a utility cabinet, “pices that is brolke”
On a space heater, “Dose not get hot enuff”
On a faucet, “Licks”
On wallpaper, “Don’t know whats wrong, Wife knows nothing.”
On a baseboard heater, “It works then dosen’t, it works then dosen’t”
On a tower heater, “Sounds like a Jet taking off”
On flooring base, “Used all of it, then realized wrong color”
On a paint brush, “Hair falling out”
On a rain gauge, “Didn’t catch water”
On a copied key, “Cut wrong for the cutmpers”
On a hammer drill, “Will not run right with the Tiger”
On a faucet, “Water comes out when turned on”
On a bag of bird seed, “Birds would not eat seed”. The bag was empty.
On a non-contact volt detector, “Will not turn on or shuts off all the time”
On a (broken) mirror, “Blown to smithereens”
On a shower curtain rod, “it got bented”
On a lightbulb, “Busticated, Blownified and Absolutely, Positively De-Luminated”
On a coffee maker, “makes watered down coffee”
On a hammer, “makes loud noises”
On a hammer, “makes ping-ping noises, approved by Christ”
On a trash can, “smells bad”
On a toilet, “The Bowel is Leaking”
On a dishwasher, “Not getting clothes dry”
On a pruning saw, “Not tall enough for customer”
On a string trimmer, “doesn’t work up hill”
On a wall-mounted shelf, “not level”
On a wireless security camera, “defective ubnit. won't light up blob blurrr”
On a hammock, “customer kept falling out”
On a charcoal grill, “FULE RUN OUT”
On a hose, “didn’t match other one at home”
On paint thinner, “would not strip, turned into a mud on the floors”
On a pressure washer, “sprays the wrong way”
On an evaporative cooler, “throws spicks”
On a dishwasher, “has a handle on it”
On a microwave, “customer quit working, wont even turn on”
On a tomato cage, “feet too close together wont stand”
On a weed eater, “licking”
On a grill, “no self clean mode”
On a stove range, “gets hot when you cook on it”
On a solar light, “only comes on at night”
On a ceiling fan, “lights were haunted”
On a fridge, “dog doesn’t like the noise it makes - upsets him”
On a toilet, “customer said I can’t fit my junk in that d*mn thing”
On a push mower, “mows sideways and the ride is rough”
On a riding mower, “too hard to pimp it”. It had LED lights attached along the bottom.
On a washer, “may cause cancer in California”. It was returned in North Carolina.
On a fridge, “made in america stickers were not on front of doors”
On a bird feeder, “this design scares away birds”
On a fridge, “freezer is too cold”
On a pressure washer, “Not female friendly”
On a faucet, “hot water heater doesn’t work”
On a padlock, “doesn’t lick”
On a push mower, “when on grass self repellent does not repell”
On an 8x12 rug, “wasn’t square”
On a rat trap, “Only caught the rat’s foot”. It still had the caught foot in it.
On 5 gallon bucket of paint, “DON’T START”
On an outdoor extension cord, “Wouldn’t hold a charge”
On a ceiling fan, “gaubles”
On a 40” spike aerator, “will get stuck while being pulled and no holes will be poked”
On a window A/C, “did not cook food all the way through”
On two pieces of glued together PVC piping, “customer stupidity”
On a firepit, “smells like burning plastic”. They had used the display logs as firewood.
On an A/C unit, “blows hot air like my husband”
On a door, “wormped”
On a toaster oven, “bottom is strung”
On a washer, “it sucks too much”
On a vacuum, “does not suck, only blows”
On a corded drill, “battery life too short”
On an artificial tree, “idiot bought wrong size tree”
On a generator, “doesn’t have enough pressure...will not spray hard enough”
On a cut 2x4, “idiot”
On a pressure washer, "the item is not comming and will not stop running."
On a toilet snake, "the item is explored."
On a gallon of paint, "the item is working."
On a reel mower, "starts and stops does not work continuely''
On a level, “has a bubble in it”
On a toilet seat, “defected has a whole when you lift the lid”
On an air hose, “water won’t come out”
On black rubber chair feet, “stink whole house up”
On a space heater, “did not heat whole house”
On a door, “bussed up”
On a ceiling fan, “all tired out”
On a tub, “customer didn’t fit”
On an angle grinder, “spin cycle doesn’t work”
On a water filter, “Customer say it doesn't clean air, fridge still stinks.”
On a push mower, “propeller doesn't spin.”
On a mirror, “It didn't do what I wanted it to do”
On a dryer, “didn’t wash clothes all the way through”
On a washer, “didn’t spend”
On a toilet, “cracker”
On a hammer, “not working anymore”
On a gas trimmer, “it was corded, will not go”
On a light bulb, “only flickers when you flick it”
On a radio, “the lady said it stopped working and she couldn't get down anymore”
On a plunger, “would not perform for the customer”
On appliances, “getting a divorce”
On a hose pump, “squeals like a raped ape”
On a shower head, “won’t stay still”
On a pressure washer, “customer used on house and it tore the house up”
On a broom, “used man crazy”
On shelf brackets, “didn’t know english. all he said no more”
On a 5-pack of narrow files, “Customer broke them when he sat on them. No joke.”
On a compressor, “the hole was licking”
On a 100-ft extension cable, “Shortie in cord”
On an inflatable Santa, “Didn’t blow up”
On a stove range, “customer’s daughter fit in the bottom drawer”
On a riding mower, “customer said his wife’s butt was too big for it”
On a nail gun, “only shot out one nail at a time”
On a dishwasher, “it has arthritis”
On a microwave, “it beeps when food is done”
On an electric cooktop, “it lights up red like the devil”
On a thermometer, “not accrite”
On a freezer, “makes noise like a motorcycle”
On a dumpster bag, “package looks like crap”
On a small microwave, “Not Elderly Friendly”
On a cabinet door, “Right handed not left handed”. Door was designed to be universal, i.e. if you flip it around it’s symmetrical.
On an angle grinder, “it broke customer’s arm”
On an air conditioner, “blows cold air”
On a hand-held shower, “Hit Janet in the head too many times”
On a box of trash bags, “doesn’t spell right”
On a freezer, “freezes ice cream too hard”
On a vacuum, “Won’t stop smoking! Even when asked!”
On a 2-pack of power tool batteries, “didn’t realize one was missing because girlfriend was distracting him”
On a mold test kit, “tasted wrong, didn’t work”. Was supposed to say ‘tested’.
On a year-old tree, “died”
On a lawn mower, “smelled funny”. It had gas in it.
On a staple gun, “spatles dont shoot”
On a grill, “baby danger”
On a used auger (plumbing snake), “has too poops”
On a hammer, “broke customer’s arm”
On a hammer, “gave customer blisters”
On a hammer, “bent nails too much”
On a box of nails, “too bendy”
On an air conditioner, “blows cold air”
On a toilet, “clogged”
On a toilet, “Toilets was used - design was that solids did not go down”
On a grill, “coroiding”
On a gallon of paint, “wrong color, gave customer a migraine”. Best part is that she wanted to be comp’d for her medicine.
On a Christmas candle, “smells too Christmas-y for this time of year”. Was returned in October.
On a fridge, “won’t make beer slushy”
On a wall light, “bottom of lamp is bent, will not sit flat on table”
On a dishwasher, “it clammed too hard”
On a can of compressed air, "Customer clearly did not understand the purpose of compressed air, thought it was a glass cleaner"